Mitch McConnell Explains Hesitation on Climate Change Action – “I’ll Be in My Cocoon by Then”


For the last several years, predictions from scientists around the world have slowly materialize and our worst fears realized. Climate change is coming and the world will likely never be the same, no matter what we do now. However, with a united effort from countries around the world, there is still time to make a difference and potentially save our planet, leading many to wonder why action hasn’t already been taken. Unfortunately, certain executives, CEOs, and senators are standing in our way and it is only a matter of time before something bursts, one way or another. One particular senator by the name of Mitch McConnell has now officially announced his reason for hesitation on climate action.


“I’ll be in my cocoon by then,” explained the Senate Majority Leader at one of his hourly press conferences. “Why would I care about what happens post-pupa?”


Why indeed? We tried to ask a few follow-up questions, but the senator notoriously answers very slowly and was only able to answer a few questions about recent policy before heading off for his mid-morning salad. A few reporters milled about afterward, asking each other if they had heard him correctly, but soon the area was again empty.


Now, as Pulitzer Prize winning journalists, we knew a story when we smelled one and this was not the end of Cocoon-Gate. Not by a long shot. We waited until we saw his chief of staff slink out of his office and then we caught the door just before it closed. Caught by surprise, McConnell made a quick “eyuh” noise and asked us to state our business.


“We need to know more,” we told him. “We want to know about the cocoon.”


The turtle-ish man relaxed a bit and leaned back, uttering a slight chuckle. “Oh, you fools. You will never understand the cocoon, so why waste my breathe? The cocoon chooses people, I don’t know why it does what it does. All I know is that I have been blessed and nothing else really matters beyond that.”


Before we could fully comprehend what was happening, Senator McConnell’s skin began to slough off onto the floor. It collected there at the base of his office desk chair and emerging from it was a slightly slimier, fresher-looking version of the senator. He then gave us a small nod before making his way through the door we had entered, leaving us alone in his office.


After taking a minute to collect ourselves, we tried to follow him out into the hallway but quickly lost side of him in a tour group. We decided to give it up and head back to the office.


But then, just as we were walking down the front steps of the building, we saw something take flight and fly directly toward the sun. We shaded our eyes to try and catch a better look, but whatever it was was gone.


I guess we’ll never know exactly what sort of cocoon he was talking about, but we’re starting to think that’s for the best.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood who really doesn’t get what the hold up is on literally saving the world. Follow him for more existential woe here.


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