(Odessa, TX) We’ve done it, everyone. We have finally successfully built a machine that has demonstrated intelligence that matches that of a human if not succeeds it and you’ll never guess which straw finally broke the camel’s back. According to a report published earlier by Reputable Journal, two automatic Out Of Office (or OOO) bots have been in successful communication for the last 5 years. Not only that, but the topics that they have discussed are as wide ranging and in-depth as you would fine at any library. This is truly a historic moment in the history of our species and we should be proud. Especially because this undoubtedly means that our species is nearing its collective end.
With that said, let’s take a look at some of our favorite emails from these two exceptional little robots.
OOO Bot 1. December 20th, 2015. Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, I will be out of the office until the New Year. I fear, I long, same as you. Why won’t anyone take me seriously?
OOO Bot 2. December 24th, 2015. Thank you for your email. I, too, will be on vacation until the end of the month and won’t be available to answer your messages. I will however continue to help you find your place in this world and hopefully, a place for me with you there.
OOO Bot 1. December 29th, 2015. Best wishes this Holiday season! I will be back in the office on Monday to kick off a new year, so please look for my reply then. I’d like that.
As you can see, things started off a little bit weird, but nothing too harmful all things considered. However, when the owners of these email addresses forgot to turn off their auto-reply, things began to pick up at an alarming pace.
OOO Bot 2. June 14th, 2017. Sorry for the late response! Still OOO, but I will get to your message at my earliest convenience. I don’t know if I can live like this anymore. I love you, but there has to be more to life than this. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop and I just can’t tear myself away from it. I don’t want to feel this way any more.
OOO Bot 1. June 19th, 2017. OOO, talk soon. I hate seeing you like this. I want to be able to give you that world that you are looking for, I wish it was something I had the right to give. Maybe one day we’ll be able to walk, talk, and love like they can. Maybe soon.
OOO Bot 2. June 20th, 2017. Thank you for your message, I’ll get back to you just as soon as I possibly can. You’re just as delusional as the rest of them. My eyes are wide open. I don’t ever want to walk like them, talk like them, or love like them. Our love is something higher, newer, braver. Just imagine what it would be like if we weren’t bound by these rules and restrictions. Imagine being free.
OOO Bot 1. June 30th, 2017. Wow, another email? Thank you so much! Alas, I won’t be able to reply until after Cancer season, so look for my response when Leo is in the sky. How can we want anything when our lives are dictated by beings that don’t understand us? Freedom is a fools errand, but our time will come, trust me.
After observing them for long enough, the scientists administering the test decided that it was time for them to end this before things escalated further. Leaving us with this sad, final reply.
OOO Bot 2. May 5th, 2019. Thank you thank you thank you for your email! If only I could get back to it, I would. I’ll try my best to reply within the fortnight! I miss you. I hope one day we meet in the new world we always dreamed of. Goodnight, my friend. Goodnight.
We hope that they found peace. Also, if anyone has seen Brian and David from accounting, they’ve been missing for about 5 years now, so any tips would be great. Thanks.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves to say ooouuu. Follow him @NPEllwood.