Every single day, someone wakes up and has the bright idea to become a filmmaker. Some of these people try a few things, end up with some weird background footage, and then call it quits. Others make amateur films throughout their life, but never pursues it on a professional level. Then there are those fabulous few who end up creating the stories that shape our view of the world and who we pay millions of dollars to create more flashing lights and explosions. And then, there is David Lynch, essentially an immortal being passing wisdom down through filmmaking. Today, we are going to help aspiring directors everywhere learn how to make films just like the legend himself.

 

Let’s get started.

 

Step one: Don’t cut anything out. Every shot you took, no matter how long, no matter how unimportant to the plot, it stays in the movie. I’ve never cut anything out of any of my films or shows, because the muse flows through me so completely that I dare not disturb it.

 

Step two: *atmospheric whooshing*

 

Step three: Tell your actors to read their lines once through. Then, have them burn the pages with a lighter, disposing of the ashes responsibly. When it comes time to shoot the scene, you have to let them give you what they remember. If your actor asks you what their lines were, fire them on the spot. They do not belong in your movie if they cannot act with feeling.

 

Step four: Make sure that the music of your film creates the appropriate mood for what is happening in the scene. For instance, if you are doing a shot in the woods, maybe some long horn notes and a little piano. I mean, that’s what we would recommend. Or just no music at all, then hit them with it when the scene transitions. Or bring it in real slow, but swell into a huge ending. They love that.

 

Step five: Call Kyle Maclachlan and get him in the movie. Doesn’t matter if he is the lead, doesn’t matter if it is just a cameo, that dude is magic.

 

Step six: Just have fun with it.

 

So there you are. You can now go out yourself and make a David Lynch movie. Obviously we are not saying to make a movie and publish it under his name or steal his work or anything. We just mean that you can do anything you want, so why not make films?

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by the muse flowing through Nathan Ellwood at 110% speed, baby. Follow @NPEllwood.