Glitch in Matrix Sets Everyone’s Age to What They Lied About on First Internet Account


Hello and welcome to today’s report. We are coming to you from the scene of what some are calling a miracle, others calling the wrath of God, and some even blaming the bees for some reason. Ultimately, we here at Eritas believe that this is quite simply a glitch in the matrix. You see, people around the globe have all been changed irreparably, aged up or down depending about the age they lied about on their first internet account. A few of us went down, most of us went up, and a few of us disintegrated on sight. Today, we are interviewing a few survivors of this trauma to find out exactly what happened.


Here are their stories.


Daniel, 22 year old grown into a 39 year old. I wanted to have my twenties to mess around, you know? Seems like that’s what your twenties are for and now I’m almost to 40 because I wanted to get on Myspace with the rest of my friends. Why am I being punished for this? I demand an appeal of my case immediately. Immediately.


Joby, 54 year old shrunk to a 35 year old. Honestly, I’m glad for this chance at starting again, almost 19 years back but in a time I feel born for. I am a millennial through and through, but I never knew it until now. Now I can finally be who I was born to be. Thank you, random, indifferent universe. For once, you got it right.


Jessica, 13 year old turned into a 99 year old. It was a joke, why is that so hard to understand? Obviously I wasn’t born in 1920 if I’m trying to make a damn Runescape account.


Thromberg, 21 year old turned into a 22 year old. I realize now I need to take more risks in my life. What a waste of some sort of time-turning technology to only go one year forward because the internet wouldn’t let me download anything when I was 12. Why is 13 the minimum age? I just wanted a pdf of an 8-bit heart for my Tender Time. Can’t you understand that? I know there is no way I could have known, but still, where is the adventure?


Marta, 7 year old turned into a 17 year old. Oh what a life, 10 years forward and so much has changed. I never knew life could be like this. I now feel like I finally have the autonomy I have always sought. Why do we wait so long to be free? Why do we delay our development? Stand with me, brothers and sisters. We have work to do.


Mixed bag, huh. Ain’t nothing changed.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood who ate the last peppermint patty. Follow him @NPEllwood.

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