Ladies, listen up, it’s relationship advice time. As someone who has had countless relationships, I know a thing or two about this wily, wonderful thing we call love. Let me tell you, as I tell all of my closest friends, that finding the right person for you is a lot simpler than you might think. In fact, it’s the simplest damn thing in the world. Like you, I used to meet guy after guy, girl after girl, who just wouldn’t love me in the way I wanted. No, in the way I deserved. It wasn’t until I met Kryzzinitrix the Ancient that I found the love I had always been searching for. Let me tell you, women of the world, you should never settle for anything less than a long forgotten god of the cosmos.
You may be skeptical, and I get that, trust me. I was cynical at first too. When I first met Kryzzinitrix, I never thought that he would become the token of my affection. I was more concerned about whether he was going to destroy the fabric of reality than anything if we’re being honest. But after he assured me that he had already destroyed our timeline at least twenty times and nothing terrible had happened, I felt more prepared to consider a friendship.
At first, he would describe my death to me in great detail simply as a friend. But after the fifth time, as the details began to expand, I knew that there was something more to what we had. I knew that Kryzzinitrix cared about me deeply, disturbing space and time just to spend more time with me. I had never felt anything like it.
I got the feeling I might be getting in over my head the first time I realized everything about my life had changed. I started reading through my diaries, realizing that I had either forgotten large swatches of my life or those swatches had been changed or quite possibly never even existed in this alternate universe in the first place.
It was a conundrum to say the least. But then I finally decided something for myself. I didn’t need to settle, I could have a forgotten god of the cosmos all to myself. And looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t comprehend this earlier. It has changed my whole entire life.
I want you to have that same feeling in your hearts, ladies of the world. I want you to feel what I have felt. Trust me, you deserve it.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last box of endless chaos. Follow him @NPEllwood.