(Pittsburg, PA) Over the last week, it has been almost impossible to escape the overwhelming gloom and doom of the news that the Amazon forest has been burning at an unprecedented rate. Call it capitalist greed, call it climate change, call it the end of human life on this planet, and you would be correct. However, if you are local man and glue aficionado Winston Clemenshire, the whole thing has been a little bit confusing. That said, Winny always wants to be helpful and decided to donate some of his funds to the cause. Unfortunately, rather than donate his money to an organization fighting the fires, he gave his money to the struggling restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe.

“I’m just happy to be doing something good,” Winston told us over Skype instant messenger. “Sure, $1,000 is a lot of money, but with all of my friends posting about it online, I just knew I had to do something to help. Hopefully they can finally hire a decent chef.”

“So you know that you gave to Rainforest Cafe, not the Amazon relief efforts?”

“Of course. I though that is what everyone was so concerned about. What happened with Amazon? I was wondering why my package hadn’t arrived.”

“No, not that-“

“Yeah, Amazon is great and all, but I feel like the stuff they send me is always broken on arrival. Why can’t Bezos just get it right.”

While this might seem like a hard mistake to make, it isn’t the first time Winny has gotten it wrong. In 2012, he gave almost all of his life savings to Coney Island rather than to the Kony 2012 campaign. In 2009, he thought he was giving to UNICEF and instead gave his money to a man named Youssef.

At least his heart is in the right place, yeah? And if you happen to own the Rainforest Cafe in Grapevine, TX you’ve got one thousand smackers heading your way.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who has missed you guys. You see, the last week of posts were made by an imposter. Follow him @NPEllwood.