Hey, reading this while driving, huh? Bold choice. Well, while I have you hear, there’s actually something important I need to tell you. You know this cool tunnel you’re driving in right now? You’ve likely been noticing that it is incredibly long. You might have even thought to yourself, “I’ve been in this tunnel before, but this baby is longer than I remember.” Turns out you are actually right. This tunnel is longer than you can possibly imagine. You are going to be driving in this tunnel for the rest of your life and honestly, there’s nothing you can do about it because this tube you’re in is never going to end.
Don’t panic, it’s going to be alright. I know this news might be shocking and you will likely already be denying that this is your new reality, you should just move right now to acceptance and begin to move on with your life. Your life in the tunnel.
Now, while you may already be wondering “Will the tunnel change at all throughout this incredibly lengthy midnight ride?” It will actually. I mean, the reality of the tunnel will stay the same, but by about hour 30 you will start to hallucinate different colored lights just to change the scenery. You might see other cars along the way and those will be real, but don’t linger for too long. People change after being in the tunnel. And not in the ways you would expect.
“What about stopping or turning around?” you’re surely already thinking. Wow, as if they didn’t think of that when they created this eternal torture device. I mean.. tunnel. Yeah, if you turn around, the tunnel doubles in length. “How do you double infinity?” Wrong question. You’re only going to be here longer and longer and longer.
I know I tried to begin this with encouragement, but we’re in dire straits here. You are going to be driving and driving and driving for the rest of your pathetic, puny little life. Who knew that it would end up like this? You were just trying to get around the traffic, take a little byway, and now look at what happened. Immortal suffering.
Again, we apologize for the necessity of us delivering this report, but surely you understand that there is nothing we could do. We are simply the messenger and although it would have been incredibly clever to hide a way to escape within this piece, we are not smart enough or good enough with codes to do that.
This was written by a crouching, snarling beast in the night. Follow it (if you dare) @NPEllwood.