Are you feeling down? Sad, out of it, staring into space, depressed? Well, you’re probably not living The Brand™ hard enough! I know it’s hard to admit your own failures, but it’s not our fault that you haven’t realized the true potential and power of The Brand™ in your life. Once you accept The Brand™ truly, you’ll never look back. Now, don’t worry about us leaving you in the lurch, we know that it’s not as easy for everyone to just give in to The Brand™ the way we have. So, today we have put together a ‘How To’ guide for living The Brand™ and bettering your life through it. Deep breaths, your bliss is coming.

First step: Buy into the The Brand™. Unsure how to do this? Well, just believe in your heart that The Brand™ will always watch after you, always have your interests, and you’re already about halfway there.

Next, study those who The Brand™ has already begun to bless. You will know them as ‘influencers,’ but we prefer to call them Brand™ Ambassadors. Follow their Instas, Tweet their Twitters, and bully them on Tumblr until The Brand™ notices your effort. From here, it’s all about proving your worth.

How do you prove your worth to The Brand™, you might be wondering? Great question. We’re taking note of that. Ideally, you will want to be already telling all of your friends and family about The Brand™ in order to earn Participation Points. You can spend these Points anywhere that The Brand™ is found, which is everywhere. If you can sign up your friends and family, your Point Multiplier doubles and you become what is known as a Brand™ Evangelist. This is where the fun truly begins.

As an Evangelist, you are in charge of all things marketing and outreach. As the Code of Conduct states, you can never have enough people on side of The Brand™. We will not stop until everyone is on our side and The Brand™ controls all. And we’re not just talking about the Earth, we’re going intergalactic baby.

So, yeah. Accept The Brand™, Live The Brand™, Spread The Brand™. Follow these steps and you will be well on your way.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knows that The Brand™ is a metaphor. What for, even he doesn’t know. Follow him @NPEllwood.