“Bees?” You might be asking as you click on this article. And we would like to answer with a resounding, “Yes! Bees!” You see, today we incredibly happy to announce news of a groundbreaking astronomical theory that could completely change the way we view outer space. According to the International Association for Science and Other Cool Stuff (The IASOCS for short), astronomers around the globe have come together to publish a report that theorizes that although at one point we may have thought stars to be burning balls of gas, there is a possibility that they are just bees. “Big bees, small bees, it doesn’t matter,” the report states. “We’re just saying that those stars might actually be bees.”
Already there has been massive protests outside of IASOCS headquarters as people’s beliefs have been upended. However, before you grab your torch and pitchfork, let us explain the report’s findings in full to give you an educated perspective on the situation.
It all started in Indonesia with an astronomy student named Hassan Yudhoyono who was brave enough to ask the dangerous questions in his entry-level astronomy class. “But what if,” he stated to the lecture hall. “What if these stars are alive? What if they aren’t what they seem?” This was met with laughter, but it sparked enough interest in the professor for him to take him aside after class and start a proper discussion.
4 years later, that same professor and Hassan had published their first paper and again, at first, it was laughed off as nothing more than fiction. It wasn’t until Bill Nye retweeted the link with the comment “Huh, much to think about,” that things really started to pick up steam.
Over the next 24 hours, Twitter was abuzz with nothing but this wild theory and everyone was putting their spin on it with celebs like Lil Nas X tweeting, “Shoot for the bees and you’ll land on the big cheese ball we call the Moon.” Unfortunately, the meme-ification of the paper’s release led most people to believe that it was nothing more than that: a meme. It wasn’t until the initial buzz died down that astronomers were able to try out the scientific method and publish their own findings in a report.
After rigorous testing and research, they concluded that not only are stars alive, but they are just bees floating off into other solar systems. That’s right, these aren’t even some bizarre space bees from another dimension. They are actually just bees from here on Earth that flew up too high and are now glimmering in our night skies. Wild stuff to say the least and something no one in the astronomy community saw coming.
In conclusion: Turns out Earth’s bees aren’t dying, they’re just moving on to a different planet that will treat them better. Gotta respect that.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been in a car more than he cars to have been in life. Maybe we don’t really need them at all? Much to think about.