Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay. Hi, and welcome. Today, we are going to be talking about something that has been guaranteed to reduce stress and anxiety in your life by 100-1000%. Some of you may have already discovered this for yourself, while others will need time for the words you are about to read to sink in, but trust in the system and we’ll all get through this alright. The thing I need to tell you is that nothing is real. Not you, not me, not the words you are reading. None of it is real. Take a moment, sit with that, and when you’re ready for your journey to begin, join me in paragraph two.

Cool, you made it. Yes, it’s true, nothing that you have ever experienced has ever been real. Not even the very specific memory you have in your head right now. It’s shocking, we know, but we see this as an opportunity for both growth and a new outlook on life. You see, once you truly believe that nothing is real, all of your problems start to disappear. Why put the mental energy into anything outside of your comfort zone when it will all blow away like ash in the end?

Things that have on your mind, worries about the world, you can let them all go. Climate change isn’t real, so why try and conserve water or save the rainforest? The endless wars that the U.S. propagates around the world aren’t real, why care about who we’re selling arms to? Weapons aren’t real if nothing is. Other people? Not real. You can do and say whatever you want because the consequences only exist in your mind.

The day I got up out of bed with the full understanding that nothing is real, I tripped down the stairs on purpose. Why not make it interesting, right? The bruises had lips a-flappin’ at the office, which only made me smile wider, because none of my coworkers are real either. God, could you imagine? It’s hard for me to even consider something being real now without a smirk spreading across my mouth. How ridiculous.

If you have gotten this far and are starting to wonder whether you think that nothing is real as well, please come down to visit us on Johnson Ave. and 42nd. We host weekend classes and meet every other Wednesday for a potluck. It’s not much, but it’s a community.

Hah, siiiike. Nothing’s real, remember? We’ll see you when we see you.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes you know what he means when he says “Get me that toaster, stat.” Follow him for moors at @NPEllwood.