The spooky month of October continues with a truly unnerving look at zodiac signs. Are you ready? I don’t think you are. Before we jump into the perks and quirks of each zodiac sign and tell you your horoscope, we should issue a word of warning. We are going to mention that there is a zodiac-related monster standing right behind you. While this is true, our legal department tells us that we need to clarify that while the monster is nearby, it can hurt you and will not be there should you try to whip your head around to see it. There, doesn’t that make you feel more safe? No one can possibly blame us for what does or doesn’t happen to you next.
Let’s get started.
Aries (March 21st-April 19th) As an ambitious Aries, you want nothing but the best. So, just behind you in the corner of the room sits Pennywise, grinning his bizarrely large mouth. You try not to think about how there are too many teeth in his grin.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th) We all know that a Taurus loves nothing more than sitting back and relaxing like there is nothing on their schedule. Unfortunately, this means you are perfect for being tortured by the It Follows entity. No more relaxing Taurus, you’ve got someone coming after you. Forever.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th) In the interest of keeping with the Gemini theme, the monsters behind you are the twins from The Shining, holding hands and staring daggers into the back of your skull. Don’t worry, they only want to play.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd) Cancer’s are intuitive when it comes to the psychic realm, but what about the realms of demons? That’s right Cancer, you’ve got King Paimon behind you. Don’t worry, he’s only interested in your physical form.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd) For a royal Leo such as yourself, we have nothing more than horror royalty sitting behind you. Yep, that’s right, it’s Megan Fox from Jennifer’s Body and she’s unhinging her jaw as we speak.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd) Too logical for your own good, Virgo? That’s OK, you won’t need math where you’re going. Sitting behind you, rising as a shadow, is the Babadook himself. He’s stretching his arms, they’re coming for you. Oh god, run!
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd) You know who love symmetry as much as you, Libra? Hannibal Lecter. He’s sitting right behind you, sharpening a knife, wondering what you taste like.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st) As a passionate Scorpio, your monster wants to put as much effort into their work as you do. Can you guess who we’re talking about? That’s right, it’s Jason Voorhees. You can’t say that guy’s not dedicated.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st) Always on a search for something, you will need to keep it down on your quest. For galloping at a good clip behind you, making his way towards you, is one of the monsters from the Quiet Place. Shut your mouth if you hope to live, ya dingus.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th) You love emotions, right Capricorn? Well how do you feel about The Ring girl walking towards you, upside down with her head turning 360 degrees? Not good, huh? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th) Aquarius, you son of a gun. You are so down to Earth, you deserve a classic spooky boy. What about Chucky? No, too much. Ooh, maybe Jaws? Yeah, you got that big ass shark behind you. Don’t go in the water I guess?
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th) Finally, last but not least, Pisces. Sometimes the line between real and fake can blur for you, but not today. Today you are certain that Count Dracula is sitting behind you and you would be right. What a time to be alive.
Now go make your own decisions and stop listening to me.
This was written by the muse flowing through Nathan Ellwood. Just kidding, it’s just my weird brain. Follow him @NPEllwood.