Hollywood Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Laser Security Hallways


Hi. I’m writing this to you as a would be will and testament should this go poorly. Which in all honesty looks like how this is going to go. You see, I’m writing this from my cell phone while trapped in a high security vault. I’ve got no exit behind me and all that’s standing in between me and the vault is a laser security hallway. Unfortunately, Hollywood has apparently been lying to me for decades about how difficult these things are to cross. These unrealistic expectations had me believing I could hack this vault and now, there’s no way I’m getting out of here. Oceans 12, I blame you.


I honestly should have known, Hollywood is always lying about one thing or the next. I just assumed they worked with a certified laser hallway expert, but of course they didn’t. They wanted something that would look cool, not something functional. I guess I did always wonder why they didn’t just put lasers everywhere, but now that I see exactly that in front of me, I realize that whoever directed every heist movie ever was full of shit.


Now, I have no choice but to give myself up. Unfortunately, I’ve used up most of my battery writing this story and I’ll be damned if I stop without finishing now. I should tell you why I accepted this job and how I got here, because soon nothing else will matter about the life I once lived.


You see, I need to buy insulin. I’ve been trying to pick up extra jobs on the side, but it’s just not enough. I used to pick up a 30 day supply for like $25, now I’m paying more on my monthly prescription I do for my new Tesla. How is that fair? I am not trying to break my way into a highly secure vault simply to afford a drug I need to survive. And now I got this damn laser security hallway to deal with.


The worst part is I don’t know if the lasers just trip and alarm or if they will simply slice my skin clear off. I have no idea what lasers are capable of with enough money, do you?


I’m just going to go for it. But before I do, I just want to say again how much I hate Hollywood for getting me here. Also America. And the health insurance system. And Breaking Bad. And George Clooney, damn it.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes you survive the upcoming Vibe Check.

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