I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve heard the words ‘kangaroo court’ more times in the last 24 hours than I physically thought possible. In my anger at the State of Things and the way that words can be sucked dry of all meaning, I performed a quick little search on the meaning behind the phrase. Turns out, the only reason we use this animal term to describe judicial proceedings is because it describes a case that moves forward with “leaps and bounds.” Do you know many better things leap and bound? Which is the exact reason why I think we, as a society, should renamed them ‘frog courts.’
Why not ‘cricket courts?’ Great question. And, highly controversial. You see, people are pretty split when it comes to crickets. And even though they leap and bound the same as any other funky little animal, it’s clear that people like frogs the best.
Now, back to what I was saying. Frog courts would be better than k courts for several reasons. See that I am already shortening them to ‘k courts’ to prove how little I care about them and show that frog courts are superior. First of all, frog courts is just quicker to type, easier to say, and more fun to imagine. Just picture a cute little classic green frog sitting behind the bench in judge’s robes. Personally, that would help me get through the darkness.
Secondly, frogs have done so much more for society than kangaroos. Sure, it’s something to associate with Australia, but that’s what they built that opera house for. Other than that, they’re actually kind of jerks and should just be banished from our sights. Frogs on the other hand, massive, huge, palpable contributions to society. Our world would be nothing without frogs I tell you. Nothing.
Finally, if I walked into a court room and found 12 frogs on my jury, I would instantly know that I would be judged fairly by my peers. Personally, I believe frogs should be represented in world government at the same level as humans. I think we should create more natural and artificial bogs and swamps for our frog friends to live in. And most importantly, I think that all frogs should be given a monthly flea stipend.
I will now be accepting questions.
Um, are you a frog?
Sorry, no further questions.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who definitely didn’t just ribbit. Follow him (not the frog) on Twitter @NPEllwood.