If you haven’t heard, the highly popular role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons is going through something of a resurgence. While some attribute this to the game’s creators making the rules more accessible, others believe that the popularization of nerd culture has made something that would have once been thought of as “dweebtastic” actually approachable and fun for everyone. Now, all across the world, small groups of people are gathering together to enjoy a night of magic and mystery on a regular basis, using the radical concept of their own brain to make a good time for themselves. Unfortunately, like any friend group there is sometimes interpersonal drama. In one group in particular, the players are actually worried that the dungeon master’s personal life is negatively affecting the game.
“It all started when we first heard news of a new villain known as ‘that bitch’ canonically,” explained level 7 half-orc bard and data scientist Amanda Sterling. “I mean, we’re friends, so we know that him and Stephanie just broke up a couple of weeks ago, but there’s no reason to bring that into the game. We’re here to escape from reality, not confront it.”
The criticism didn’t stop there. Level 7 high elf sorcerer and part-time industrial welder Bingpot Jones told us about when he discovered that there was more to the game than met the eye. “So we had been hearing about this new villain, right? And it was obvious that Stephanie had influenced the campaign, but it happens to all writers so I was going to let it slide. But then we entered a cave system known as ‘the caverns of infinite despair at the thought of life without you’ that I knew we had to do something about this.”
An intervention was planned. It was scheduled when he would least expect it, a typical D&D night. It was ugly. “I really never saw it coming,” dungeon master and unemployed man Melvin Saunders told us. “I thought these people were my friend, but the minute you bring your personal life into a game of fantasy, they pull a mutiny faster than you can say ‘elbow.’ Trust me, don’t get your personal life involved in the dragon quests. It’s not worth it.”
However, by far the most interesting person we talked to was the host and level 7 dragonborn paladin Honey Jackson, who was kind enough to share her thoughts with us. “The whole thing was really eye-opening. I had no idea that Melvin felt that way about women. I’m not sure if I can continue in this party for much longer. I’ve been called away to live in the Arizona desert where I will seek no refuge and bring no food. I will survive on the elements and I will prove myself to my village. The legends of Malkazar are true. Come with me into the desert. Come with.”
Not sure what that’s all about, but I’ve already booked my flight to Phoenix. Let’s do this.
This was written by a dungeon master who would love to talk with you about d&d. Seriously, any time.