Uh, help?! I’m not sure how this happened, but my entire life has been ruined by a novelty store and I need to tell someone about it. You see, it all started a few weeks ago when I went on a vacation with my family to the wonderful islands of Hawaii, foolishly leaving the care of my home to a neighborhood boy named Henry. When I returned, not only did I find that Henry hadn’t watered my hydrangeas, but he had let a Spirit Halloween open shop right in my living room. I’ve never been more upset in my life, and if you will allow me, I’d like to go a little bit buck wild.

You would think that maybe living in a Halloween store would be fun, right? I can confirm that this is not true in the slightest. First of all, there are vampire teeth just about everywhere. I sat on some the other day in the kitchen and nearly jumped through the roof from sheer shock. I swear, those things are going to give me nightmares.

And listen, usually I am Mr. Spooky in the neighborhood, OK? I’m not a stinker guy, I do enjoy some fun and games every now and again. But when it comes to the ability for a man to pee in his own home without fear of “upsetting the customers,” you start to lose it.

For instance, just yesterday I was going into my kitchen to make a quick egg snack and I bumped into Rashida from work. Now, typically when I am out on the town and run into a co-worker, it’s not a big deal. We make small talk, usually about the outrageous price of a good worm these days, and then go on our separate ways. But when Rashida from accounting is standing in front of me in my own damn kitchen looking for fake spider webs, I started to feel like a stranger in my own home.

Are they legally allowed to do this? I can’t afford a lawyer, but I sure would like to. I want to know what sort of imminent domain they would use to defend this flapshaddery. I really would. And I might actually find out, because it’s now been two weeks and they simply won’t leave. Employees are working in shifts, managers are asking me to do a better job with the cleaning, and I’m about to go real-life vampire on someone’s neck.

This is my call for help. Please save me.

This was written by Noot the snoot, follow him around the forest and run into the cottage when smoke begins to leave the chimney.