Dear America, my name is Mitt Romney. I am introducing myself before I say anything else, as I want to make sure that you understand this is me, Mitt Romney, writing to you today. I am here with my opinion because in times like these, we need someone like me to have an opinion and express it through the usual means. The simple act of doing this, no matter the actual content, is all that we as a society need to continue on without much real change actually happening. Because you see, when I talk about ‘times like these,’ I’m of course referring to the last three years of this administration. This is what I have to say. Trump is a silly billy.

Yep, you heard me. A silly billy. Now, this might not sound like an insult to you, but anyone who knows ol’ Mitt knows that when you hear me call someone an SB, it’s time to leave or I’ll end up doing something I regret. But I mean it, I’ll even say it with my chest. Donald J. Trump is a silly bill and quite honestly I have had it with his tomfoolery.

(Remember when I ran for President? What a trip)

For the un-woke amongst you, let me spell out for you why I am putting both my career (lol) and my dignity (long gone) on the line for this. Let’s see. Well, first of all, there is his deliberate and overpowering racist remarks about immigrants from Mexico. Which of course, he then used as a reason to put thousands of people in concentration camps all across the country, killing dozens of people in the process. All of which I was totally fine with, until he called me a ‘blabbermouth’ and a ‘goodie-two-shoes.’ I couldn’t believe he would use such language against a person like me.

And don’t even get me started on what we all know about Donald Trump and how he treats women. As a father, son, and holy spirit, I understand women. So much so, in fact, that I don’t even need to ask them their opinions on anything, I just already know what they are going to say. But come on, America, when a man has been named by this many women as a sexual abuser, what choice do I have but to call him a nimrod and a dope?

So here I am, Mitt Romney, calling president Donald Trump a silly billy. What are you going to do about it?

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who did some editorializing on Mitt’s piece, I hope you don’t mind. Follow him on twitter @NPEllwood.