Like every day of the year, today the Beyhive is out in full force across all social media networks, announcing their plan to boycott all things Jeopardy! for the foreseeable future. This comes after a recent episode where former champion and physics teacher Joon Pahk made the blasphemous mistake of asking, “Who is Beyoncé?” Now, obviously Joon was simply answer the question in the preferred style dictated by overlord Trebek, but the Beyhive doesn’t seem to understand that and in fact got very mad at me when I tried to explain that to them earlier on Twitter. No, it seems that this rogue group of Knowles fans means business. For realzies.
The first stan to throw a stone was Sabrina George from Houston, TX who stated yesterday on Twitter, “If Mr. Joon Pahk doesn’t publicly apologize by 11am tomorrow, I will personally see that the entirety of his private information is published across the internet for all to see. imo, it’s the least he deserves for daring to ask who our queen is. #StreamTheLionKing.”
Some may call this extreme, but they would be wrong and clearly not have spent much time in a stan Twitter rabbit hole.
Soon, fans from around the globe were piling onto Mr. Pahk, some not even understanding exactly what Jeopardy! is or how the game is played. “Why would he ask that? Why? I’ll tell you. Because he is a man. If our great queen has taught us anything, it is that men do not deserve us and when the end times come, we will be the first to pass through the golden gates. I tell ye, it is written plain for the whole world to see, but only the Selected Few who truly understand it will be brought in to the path of righteousness. #Beyhiveforlife.”
“I hope that this guy remembers the name Beyoncé for the rest of his life. I hope it haunts his every waking moment and when he tries to go to sleep at night, I hope he sees her glowing face then too. But I hope that for everyone, so it’s not that different or anything. #SheisMyQueenForeverandEverAmen.”
“Please notice me, Beyoncé. Please.” We digress.
It’s clear that Mr. Pahk will need to go into the witness protection program after this swarm of Beyhive stans is done with him. We hope that you get used to living in Santa Fe, bud. I mean, not Santa Fe, probably anywhere but there, right?
Godspeed. Sorry, sorry. Beyoncéspeed.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who loves all stans equally, the exact same. Hardly at all. Follow him @NPEllwood.