Breathe in, breathe out. It’s going to be okay. It is going to be okay. Ahem. Hello, and welcome, to this breaking news story. We are coming to you today live from the Hill of Sadness as I am now calling it. You know the one, the big hill that overlooks the city? It’s perfect for melancholy reflecting and boy howdy have I needed some reflection today. You see, our main story today is my broken heart. I understand it may seem selfish to vocalize this in such a public format, but I literally can’t think of anything outside of my own heartbreak, so this is what you are gonna get. Sorry about that.


Let’s start at the beginning. Wait, no, too hard. Keep it together, dude. Keep it together. You can do this, just hold yourself together until this is done and then you can go sulk in the corner like you know you want to right now. Just skip the beginning, get into the meat of it.


Mhmm, OK. Where was I? Oh yes, the Infinite Sadness. So a couple of weeks ago, my former lover and I *sob* were taking a trip down the coast to spend a day on the beach. I had been looking forward to it all day, but before we even made it to the highway I knew the vibes were off. I tried to play the perfect playlist for us, one that might get you excited about the day, but this only exacerbated the dilemma and the rest of the afternoon continued down the same slippery slope.


By the time we got back home, both of us were in a bad mood. You told me you were going to take a shower, I told you I was going to watch TV. You came out minutes later with a clump of my hair. I told you it could be either of ours. You told me that I should have waited to watch the new Bojack with you. I told you that I was tired of having this conversation. You told me you didn’t love me anymore.


So that was pretty much it. I mean we ‘talked’ for a few more weeks, but when you left last night I knew I would never see you again. I guess that’s just how things go.


This just in: I’m not getting over this any time soon.


Breaking: My heart.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood who hopes you had a safe and lovely Halloween. Hold onto each other, people are all we’ve got. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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