Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This year, we are really getting into the holiday spirit and we want to help you share that with us. Now, most people associate this holiday with eating turkey, watching American football, and staring at the large, floating corpse of Spongebob float down 34th Street. However, for those who were here before the rest of us in America, Thanksgiving can be a brutal reminder of the oppression, theft, and genocide of the last few hundred years. We believe that we should use this opportunity to do something for the Indigenous population this time of year as a small way to repay what has been done to them. Our suggestion? Donate your property. All of it.
Yep, that’s right. This year, we want you to donate all of your property, real estate holdings, etc. to a Tribal Government near you. By giving it to someone in your local area, you will truly be able to see how much happier the land will become by being tended to by someone who knows what they are doing. No offense to your garden, but let’s be honest, you don’t really know what you are doing.
We spoke with a few people about our idea to see what they thought about giving up their land. As you might imagine, they weren’t too pleased.
Gertrude, 50. “I’m all for giving back, but this seems excessive. I mean, where would I live if all of my property was simply given away? Has anyone thought about that, hmm?”
Liam, 43. “Give up my land? MINE? Absolutely not. I don’t care who you are. I mean, I’m thankful and everything, it’s that time of the year, right? But I have worked hard at my grandfather’s law firm in order to make enough money to buy seven properties, so I deserve it dammit.”
Henry, 61. “I’ve lived in America long enough to know that nothing comes for free, you either need to buy it or take it for yourself. I took all of my land from my cousin by getting him to sign a forge document. I then lent him my favorite sweater, but only after covering it with a harmful bacteria. You know, to get him out of the picture. Why can’t these tribal governments simply do the same?”
None of them were too happy when we told them to imagine not even having a choice, as was the case with those to whom they are returning the land. Ironic, eh?