Hobby Lobby Announces Massive 40% Off Sale on All Smuggled Artifacts


O Holy Night, indeed. Hello, and welcome to Wednesday. Today we bring you the latest and most up to date information on a story that has been swept under the rug for far too long if you ask us. That’s right, our story today is on the crafts franchise and international smuggling ring, Hobby Lobby. If you’re unfamiliar with the whole smuggling thing, a few years ago, Hobby Lobby worked very hard to procure some rare artifacts from Iraq to the United States in conjunction with other associations such as ISIS. Yep, you read that correctly, ISIS. Now, in a shocking turn of events, it appears that the Hobby Lobby owners have grown bored of the artifacts and are now selling them at a stunningly low 40% off.


Need a last minute gift idea? There’s literally never been a better place to get ancient artifacts from Iraq than Hobby Lobby. What a sentence that just was.


According to our research, Hob Lob’s owner David Green didn’t realize exactly how old these artifacts would be when he got them, prompting the quick switch in attitude. “When my dealer told me that he found some bonafide Old Testament scrolls and pottery, I was ecstatic,” he told us over the phone. “I called everyone I knew and pulled in every favor I could. And for what? A bunch of dusty bowls and some words I can’t read written on biblical toilet paper. I was expecting some Indian Jones shit, not whatever this nonsense was.”


Despite the fact that the company payed 3 million dollars in fines and was supposed to return all of the artifacts they procured, Hobby Lobby’s across the country are stocking their shelves with even more ancient artifacts. If they were supposed to give them away, where did they all come from? We asked David Green this as well.


“Oh yeah, uh, let’s just say that wasn’t my only smuggling operation,” David related further. “Actually, let’s do say that because there some currently pending lawsuits that might like to hear that so, lips sealed right?” Oh David, how naive.


Personally, we hope that David enjoys living a long and solitary life with his enormous collection of stolen relics from cultures he wouldn’t touch with a 20 foot pole. We hope he sits amongst them until he is crushed under their weight. Because I’ll tell you something, you’ll need to knock off a lot more than 40% for me to touch those pots. The bad energy alone could knock you out.

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