Area Man About to See ‘Rise of Skywalker’ Already Seething with Anger


(Burbank, CA) It’s Star Wars week, baby! Forget about Christmas, this is the true reason for the season. Already this weekend, millions of fans have flocked to theaters across the country to buy large sodas and popcorns before experiencing the newest and final movie in the 50 year Skywalker Saga. While there are thousands upon thousands of people we could profile for this to show the genuine joy found in film, we have decided to choose someone with slightly different ideas. Meet area man and self-described Star Wars fan Mateo Algernon, who is currently sitting in a theater about to see Rise of Skywalker for the very first time. Even though the trailers haven’t played yet, Mateo is already seething with anger.


We caught up with Mateo to see why exactly he was so furious, considering this is something he has been waiting for since childhood. We all have. We just didn’t realize we had until Disney showed us the truth.


“Hey, is this seat taken?” we began, keeping our distance upon approach.


“It’s a free country,” Algernon replied.


With caution, we made our way to sit next to him, currently the only two people in the full sized theater. Clearly we shared the same ideas about arriving punctuality. After a couple of seconds, we had to ask Mateo the burning questions on our mind. “Big fan?” we asked, attempting to remain nonchalant.


“Oh huge,” said Mateo before angrily sipping his Sprite. “You should see my room, it’s like a George Lucas mausoleum.”


“Uh sure,” we replied. “Can we ask you then, why does it look like you are visibly shaking? Are you just excited?”


Mateo gave a short chuckle. “Oh, quite the opposite. I’m positively fuming.”


“Why? Have you seen it already?”


“Nope. Just preparing.”


“Preparing for what?”


“For more social justice BS. I need to soak up every minute of the full on feminism that we are about to experience so I can remember it all for my rant later. The message boards are about to be ablaze with my righteous fury.”


“But you haven’t even seen it? People are saying it’s actually too fan-service-y. I feel like you should just keep an open mind?”


“Wooooow. Wow. An open mind? Do you even hear yourself? No, I know what’s about to happen and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. So why don’t you just scoot over a few seats so I can seethe in peace, alright? I’ve had enough of this.”


We attempted to rebut him, but more movie-goers began to fill in to the theater. Instead, we took his advice and moved over a few seats, giving him plenty of space to air his grievances.


For the next 3 hours, we watched as Mateo sat in his chair, completely expressionless, eyes locked on the screen. It looked as if he were frozen. We were so focused on him, we hardly even saw what happened in the movie.


After the screening was finished, we tried to catch up with Mateo to hear if his expectations were met, but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, all we discovered was his popcorn on the floor, arranged to spell out a message apparently just for the theater staff. It simply read “Kylo Ren is my president.”


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