Today is Christmas and all around the globe, boys and girls of all ages are settling down for some wonderful holiday cheer and delicious treats of all shape and size. While some use this time to simply spend time with their friends and family, others reflect on another year lived without being assassinated. If you’re the latter, you might be Jeff Bezos, who is a particularly happy boy this Christmas. Why is the richest man in the world happy? Well, along with his Scrooge levels of wealth, Bezos has once again bested those pesky ghosts that keep showing up to try and teach him lessons about life and all that other nonsense.
We caught up with the Amazon CEO to find out how he has successfully been able to avoid being scared into being a good person all these years. We were surprised to find that he has a very specific system for doing so.
“Yes yes,” Bezos said, growing tired of our relentless questions and calls. “I’ve perfected the system by now. You see, I have state of the art security measures in place and the best hitmen this side of the Nile on watch all Christmas Eve. I lock myself in my panic room and have a nice whiskey. I then ask Alexa to play some soothing tunes and fall asleep within seconds, using a powerful sedative to ensure nothing bothers me until morning.”
“But, why do you have this system? How are you sure it will work?”
“Years of practice. Next question.” He replied, seeming bored.
“When was the first time this happened?”
“Finally, a good question. It was just after I made my first billion in a rich man’s game of dice and theater binoculars. I told my friend, the ghost of Henry Ford, that I was going to take him for all he was worth. I ended up winning. the whole thing and as I was wandering home, I remembered it was Christmas Eve. Suddenly, I was visited my someone who told me he was the ghost of Christmas past. He was trying to show me something from my childhood, but I was too drunk and fell asleep in bed before he could continue.”
“The following year, I was visited again by this pesky ghost. By this time, I was more wealthy and more prepared. I told the ghost to get lost, but again he tried to show me my past. My past! I know what happened to me, I’m not an idiot. But the whole teaching lessons thing was getting old. I decided to lock myself in my panic room until he left.”
“And the tradition just caught on?”
“Of course, with more bells and whistles of course. Now, I can sleep through the night without even caring about learning a lesson or what-have-you. I don’t care what it is, it’s certainly not more important than a good night’s sleep.”