Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t want to wake up? Or you want to sleep, but you can’t because Jonathan Davis is standing in the corner of your room, scatting frantically like a sleep paralysis demon? Well buddy, we’ve got some great news. According to the Eritas Daily Oracle, a highly esteemed member of our staff, nu metal is about to make a comeback in a very real and intense way. While you may have thought that we abandoned this genre back in 2003, there is in fact an entire diaspora of bands looking to build the nu metal renaissance from the ground up and into the glorious future. The question we have for you is: are you ready?!

For those who aren’t familiar with nu metal, there are a few things you will need to know in order to fit in when nu metal begins again in earnest. First, there is the fashion of bands like Limp Bizkit and Korn, full of people who should have no say in fashion whatsoever. Think JNCO jeans and Adidas tracksuits. Sounds awesome, right? Thankfully, there’s probably plenty of good outfits you can find at your local thrift store, likely having been donated by someone holding out for this renaissance but not long enough.

Second, there is the music, a critical part of nu metal, clearly. Let’s just say, prepare for things to get weird. Back in 1993 when nu metal first began, we didn’t have the ubiquitous internet or the corporate dystopia we find today, which means that things are going to be even more ludicrous. I can already see the minds of record execs spinning.

You thought that Fred Durst and Christina Aguilera singing a duet was bad? Just wait until we have Billie Eyelash doing a cover of Chop Suey and Coldplay’s Chris Martin hopping on nu metal tracks to regain relevance. It’s gonna be an absolute shitshow and personally, I cannot wait.

Thirdly and most importantly, this new nu metal is going to have something that the genre was always missing the first time around: women. Yes, that’s right, it’s not just men who get to sing about dreaming of sex or breaking things any more. We’ve already been scouting a few women-led nu metal bands and let me tell you, it’s been worth the wait. These women truly get nu metal and when we look back at those came before them we will simply laugh at their accomplishments.

Our advice is to start investing in double basses and Adidas now while you still can. Before long, everyone will be in on this and the mystery will be gone. At least we’ll finally get some demonic scatting in music again, the way it should be.