The Inevitability of a Crab Planet


Fun fact: did you know that crabs evolved four different times, from four different places? Crabs have always been inevitable and no matter what nature threw their way, they made it through and fought onwards and upwards into infinity and beyond. Or at least that’s the plan. More on that later. Right now I want to tell you about my hypothesis that could be revolutionary to the entire world economy and global politics. Crabs have blazed through evolution like the nothing that it is and proven to us that they are the true champions of our world. I’m telling you this now and I’m telling you this with urgency: a crab planet is inevitable.


Blessed with the ability to exist on both land and in the sea, the crab is the quintessential occupant of Earth. We don’t even know how many crabs are in this world. Is it 2,000 or ten million or 5 trillion? Literally no one knows. That should scare you!


You know how large swaths of the ocean are now being completely dominated by jellyfish because they are the only thing that has learned to adapt and thrive in their environment? That’s gonna be crabs in like two decades. In fact, according to some research I’ve dug up, it could be even sooner than that.


Personally, I have already begun preparing for what I am simply referring to as the “Coming of the Crabs.” I know that they will eventually evolve to climb high structures, but I am placing my bets that the large treehouse that I am constructing will be more than enough to fight off any sort of crab army, especially until they can evolve some thumbs. After that, no one will be safe, but I’m hoping to be long gone by then.


Ireland is a desirable locale for a getaway and I hope just cold enough to deter all but the most dedicated crabs. I know that one day they will come for me, but until then I will not rest, I will not relent in my pursuits of freedom. The crabs may control the world of the future, but for now my destiny is still my own. At least that’s what keeps me going on the long nights at sea. Air travel is obviously too contained to avoid getting crabbed, so I’ll be taking a boat to Ireland, in case that wasn’t clear.


So this is my bidding you good luck in the era to come. Only those who take the time to prepare will be able to make it through. Start now, while you still can.


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