Jack Dorsey Announces He Will No Longer Be Existing in a Corporeal Form


(San Fransisco, CA) When you’re living in a $22 mansion built in the Silicon Hills, it can be easy to find perspective. Over the last several months, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has been doing exactly that. In an exclusive interview with @Jack himself, we have learned that with nothing to do but walk around his big house and avoid eating, he has decided that he would rather not exist any more in his current corporeal form. “I just figure that I have kind of served my purpose in this current vessel and it would be better for everyone if I just kind of turned into a cloud of dust or something. Don’t you think so?”


In the end, we would spend over 5 hours of the interview like this, with Dorsey going off on these weird tangents and ending them with a rhetorical question like ‘Am I right or what?’ It doesn’t matter if you say yes or no because the question isn’t for you, it’s for him.


After making this pronouncement about his change in form about 2 hours in, it took us almost another 40 minutes to bring him back around to the subject. He then told us the following. “Oh it’s super easy dude, I’ll tell you the whole thing. You see, I met a very tall man in Amsterdam who told me that he could make me feel things that other humans couldn’t. I didn’t understand all of the specifics, but he said that it would involve a lot of ice in a bathtub and maybe some kind of Onnit style drug? I was only half-listening.”


“Apparently, after just 10 of his personalized de-body-ing sessions I could become whatever incorporeal form I wanted. It was only going to cost me a few hundred thousand dollars. I thought, ‘What a steal!’ so I asked him if I could get a discount if I bought more than one package. I wanted my family to be involved too, so I got them the program as well. Apparently, if they sell some to their friends, we can save even more!”


“I was so excited about this pricing structure that I took it to my board of directors as soon as I could. Obviously via video chat though, I’m not gonna leave my house for anything less than an official request from the Senate. And soon, even that won’t jog my memory or make me do something. I’ll be nothing but a hint of a cloud by then.” With that, Dorsey did a swan dive into his pool, thus concluding the interview.


We tried to ask around to see if his friends or family could weigh in on this decision, but there was no one to be found. As we left, the only sound in the echoing mansion was that of laps being swum in the pool.


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