Report: Dozens of Emails on ‘How to Organize Your Life’ Currently Cluttering Inbox


Hello and welcome to today’s report. To quote the great poet and wordsmith Alanis Morissette, ‘Isn’t it ironic?’ Like rain on your wedding day, there’s nothing more ironic than trying your best to organize your life while simultaneously clogging up other parts of your life in the process. In our detailed analysis of your email inbox, we have discovered that while it is clear you are trying your best to maintain systems of organization from all of the email newsletters you have subscribed to, you have accidentally created a new barrier for yourself in the form of a cluttered inbox. If this keeps up, you might never escape the pile of tasks you are burying yourself beneath.


Don’t fret, we are here to help you out. We can’t tell you how to organize your life, but we can at least give you some pointers on how to blaze through all of the crap cluttering your email inbox. After that, the rest is on you. We can’t do everything for you, after all.


Step One. You say we need to talk. You say, ‘Sit down, it’s just to talk.’ I smile politely back at your. You stare politely right on through. I tell you, ‘Your inbox is really cluttered, why do you have so many messages from Groupon for Escape Rooms?’ You stare off into space and reply, ‘For when I’m ready to face my fears.’ I create a folder marked ‘Fears’ and we moved forward, having eliminated 10% of the clutter with a simple keystroke.


Step two. Just because you have an email from Elizabeth Warren doesn’t mean you need to keep it in your inbox. You realize she sends like 2-3 emails a day, right? I mean, definitely good to stay informed on your candidate of choice, but surely some of these can be archived, right? That’s another 10% taken care of.


Step three. Delete those emails with your ex. I’m sure you think that reading them over and over is therapeutic, but in reality it’s stopping you from moving forward with your life. If you want, download them all and put them in a folder you’ll quickly forget exists, just in case there is relevant info for later. Otherwise, the trash can is your friend. Looks like that eliminated another 30%. We’re on our way!


Step four. Consolidate your newsletter subscription list. I know that you like the serotonin rush when you have a little (1) next to your inbox, but you haven’t read most of these in months. Keep the ones you actually read and unsubscribe from the rest. Most of them won’t stop emailing you anyway, but might as well take the first step to rid yourself of their incessant messaging. That sound clear up anywhere from 15-20%. We’re almost there!


Step five. Finally, the big one. Those damn organizational tips. Do a quick read-through, see if there’s anything helpful, and then split. You need to organize your life and these are in your way. There’s likely a few good ideas, but the rest is just recycled Marie Kondo quotes. Having a (0) inbox will bring you joy, trust me.


And there you have it! You have managed to do something with your life that feels productive. Now you can celebrate with a three-week depressive episode. Don’t say we never did do anything for you.


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