Back in 1983 when Return of the Jedi first premiered, people around the world lost their collective minds as the little furry creatures known as Ewoks took center stage in the Star Wars universe. Inhabiting the forest moon of Endor in the film, George Lucas used the Redwood National Forest to create an interstellar experience and a home for this race of kind teddy bears. For decades, most of us have assumed that the Ewoks were nothing more than poorly constructed puppets held together by interns in green suits. Unfortunately, we are finding out today that for decades, we have been horribly wrong. Which brings me to this breaking news bulletin. Ewoks are real and they are taking over San Francisco.

According to local reports, it all start when a group of pesky teens went off into the National Forest to do drugs or whatever it is kids do in California. They were just about to split off from the trail when they came across what they are first thought to be a bear cub. “I was completely freaked,” one of the survivors told us. “As someone who has never once earned a badge in boy scouts, I see a bear I run. I guess that was a smart instinct because I’m the one sitting here telling you about it and not Trev.”

Not Trev indeed. Henry ‘Trev’ Barton was one of seven children who never made it out of the Forest. Here we are given different reports of what happened, but rumors are circulating that the Ewoks trapped them, strung them up, and roasted them on an open fire. Or at least that’s what we think, considering no one has found any trace of their remains.

That was two weeks ago. In that time, the Ewoks have taken aggressive forward action toward the Bay Area and will soon be knocking on San Francisco’s door. There’s not much we can do now but hold our breathe and pray that our advanced technology will be enough to defeat the small creatures wielding bows and arrows.

Is it right to kill these foe? Are they our equals or are they something else, something other? Sure, the kids haven’t been found, but maybe they are happier now, wherever they are. Maybe that’s something we can all believe in together.

In reality, we will likely no longer hear of Ewoks ever again. This will be relegated to history as just another weird story from yours truly. No one will remember their names, no one will remember that they tried to save us from ourselves.