Welcome to the world of the dream. When was the last time that you held a Smarties® candy in your hand? Did your fingers tremble as you slowly unwrapped the circular candies, feeling the warm sense of nostalgia roll over you like so many waves on the ocean? Do you believe that touch is the ultimate signifier of the reality of an object? Well, you may be surprised to find out that just about everything you know is wrong. You have been lied to and we are here to set the record straight. Did you know? Did you have any idea that you were the fool? Of course not. The last Smarties® were produced in 1993 and we’ve all been living like this is normal.
Let’s start over. Do you remember the first time you at a Smarties®? What does the memory say to you about yourself, about your life? The first time I ever ate a Smarties®, I was 5 years old and the year was 1999. In my small, not-yet-formed brain, I assumed that the chalky candy I was eating was new, fresh, exciting. How was I to know that it was already 6 years beyond new, 6 years beyond fresh? The reality is so much more brutal than the lie.
But isn’t this why we lie to ourselves? Isn’t this what our lives are built upon, lies?
How have so many Smarties® survived this long, you might be wondering? Well, it all goes back to a clerical error at the Smarties Candy Company in the late 80s. Rather than admit to their failure, they decided to see how long they could ride out the surplus they had created. Now, in 2020, they aren’t even a quarter of their way through their supply.
As demand for Smarties® has gotten smaller, they have had to get creative in order to move the remainder of their product. They began shaping them into hearts for Valentines Day in the last 90s, with more experimental flavoring added in the early 00s. And still, the three Dee sisters who now run the company are left with mountains and mountains of Smarties® and no idea what to do with them.
To many, this doesn’t seem like an issue, but stockholders are starting to worry. What happens when they go off? It’s already been 27 years, but sooner or later something is sure to happen. And what then? They’ve had to sell off the production arm of the company to keep the lights on. Soon, Smarties® may come to be nothing more than an idea of a memory.
Which is why we think our elegant solution should be employed. We send in every kid from middle school that used Smarties® to pretend to smoke a cigarette and we trick them into doing that rather than using Juuls or whatever. It could open up a whole new market for them and the kids they will no doubt pass this on to.
Anyways, if you work at Smarties® and want to use this idea, hit us up.