Coming to You LIVE From Trader Joe’s


Hi there Johnny, we’re coming to you LIVE from Trader Joe’s right now. Things are tense and battle lines have been drawn. I saw a woman earlier sling her daughter on her back and wrestle another Mom just for some knock-off Eggos. Harrowing doesn’t even begin to describe the scene here. I, of course, have been able to stave off any damage to myself due to my condition of being a ghost. But they don’t call me Hank Harrison, LIVE Ghost for nothing. Please, follow me as I go deeper into the belly of the beast in order to find out what is at the heart of this store. And, if we’re lucky, this nation.


The frozen food aisle was looking pretty barren, maybe we can take a shortcut through there? Here, follow me. Wait, hold on, watch out for that body. I’m sure they’re OK, but we need to keep moving. Ooh, looks like someone left a box of veggie samosas. Grab those for later.


Ah, ahead, do you see it? That’s the pit of madness I was afraid of. For my viewers at home who can’t see this right now, it appears to be an enormous black wet pit in the back aisle of this Trader Joe’s. I knew the damage was bad, but this is nothing like anything I have ever seen. Look into the maw of that thing and you will see what I am talking about.


*the camera pans away from our host and rises as it tilts down to see what lies within the mouth of this hellish pit. Nothing but a large, toothy mouth stares back. The camera shakes as it slowly pans back up and over to host Hank Harrison who is still collecting himself. You can see the empty shelves straight through his quaking opaque form*


Of all of my years reporting, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Hell mouths are supposed to be the stuff of fantasy. To see one, as we all just have, smack dab in the middle of somewhere as innocuous as a Trader Joe’s, it’s scarring. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same, and I’m a ghost!


Be safe. Be loving to those in your community. Enjoy it while it lasts. Who knows what is going on.


The maw in Trader Joe’s will always haunt me, but at least for now it’s contained within that store. Once it gets out, we will all be in trouble. So stay home, away from the maw, and try to remember what you heard that night you were walking in the forest. Only that can save you now.


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