Isn’t it funny how a term like ‘social distancing,’ something I’m sure only a few of us had heard of before a week ago, is now on the tip of everyone’s tongues? Well that’s what happens during a pandemic, baby! Now, everywhere from Disneyland to the Old Pit Behind Quiznos are closing their doors to the public and we’ve all received numerous emails from other institutions doing the same. One of the main ways to prevent spreading the disease comes from avoid social situations, called ‘social distancing.’ But how exactly does a person social distance? Well, we’ve got the tips for how to do it like a pro.
First of all, before you panic buy anything else, order a new pair of sweatpants online right now. Trust us, you are going to be wearing sweatpants a lot over the next few weeks and you want to be able to change them up.
Which brings us to our next tip, try to do something new every day. If you end up having to self-quarantine, you are going to get so bored and definitely go a little bit off-kilter by the end of it. Don’t worry though, when you look back on this experience you will see it as a growth experience. Even if your friends remember it as the time you watched every season of The X-Files and wouldn’t stop texting them about it, you will experience growth nonetheless.
Next, you’re going to want to turn off Facebook notifications. Great. Then you’re going to want to go to the part of the app where it says ‘deactivate account.’ Perfect. Click yes. Incredible. Now, forget about Facebook as a concept and live your life in peace. Fantastic. You’re finally free.
By the way, that last one is an evergreen piece of advice. It’s just that a pandemic makes you think more about this type of thing and it just comes out. Still good advice though.
Another piece of advice that works the rest of the year too is to only go to 25% of the things you say you are interested in on Facebook. This keeps things spicy, as even you will never be able to predict what you are going to cancel. While for the next month it will likely be concerts and conferences, in the future it might be birthday parties and social gatherings where you stand against the wall hoping that there is a riddle at the bottom of your beer can.
Finally, just download every podcast you’ve ever heard of. You will be doing a lot of staring into the void soon, so might as well learn about the Great Depression or the backstory of the song Closing Time while you’re at it.