Gather ’round, young and old, as we pass down the tradition of telling the legend of Easter. Over the years, people of different faiths, creeds, and religions have told their version of this legend, but after years of searching we have found the original story and will be passing it on to you in the way it was meant to be told. Think you know everything about Easter? Think again. You see, there are parts that every story-teller has gotten right, but no one has brought them all together into one tale like we are about to. So grab something to slurp while we tell you about an egg, an egg named Jesus.

It all began with a chicken. I’m just kidding, just a little bit of egg humor for you. It obviously all began with an egg. The egg named Jesus has been around for longer than any of us, longer than time itself. It was the egg that came definitively first. You heard it here first.

So when the the first egg hatched and the world began, we all should have known that everything was within us. We all came from the same egg and we will all return to the that egg when we die. The sooner we realize that, the more living we can start doing.

But instead, we fell into our horrid and disgusting ways. We fell further and further away from the egg’s light and Jesus has not forgotten us for it. And that’s exactly what Easter is for, to reflect on the light that the egg has given us. This is why we have our midday dances below the sun to remind us of this light. This is why we stare directly into it, why we give ourselves to it.

One day, the egg named Jesus will crack our sun open and eat us whole. Until this time, we should all just wait for that day. Don’t do anything else but think about, dream about, and prepare for that sweet fire-y end.

This weekend, when you go to your respective collectives to celebrate one way or the other, remember this. Remember the egg. Remember the chicken that never came. And remember how you feel when the sun washes over you. This is what it means to be human.