Somebody Stop Me! I’m Up to a Pack a Day

Addiction: are we doing enough about it? Hi, my name is Stamley Kipson and I’m here today to tell you my story. It’s one of anger, anguish, pure elation, and forgiveness. I wish I could tell you that I’m not the person in this story any more, but that wouldn’t be true. There are still parts of me that I fear that this story will mention, but please know that I am trying every day to get better. I hate to say this for fear of not sounding humble, but what I am about to do is incredibly brave. So, here is it, my big secret. I’m addicted to chewing gum and I’m up to a pack a day.

Actually, that’s misleading. Sorry for the clickbait, but the truth is that I’m actually down to a pack a day. I used to chew way more than that, but a pack a day is just on the edge of being too much whereas four a day is a little bit too extreme. Anyways, let me start from the beginning so you can get the full picture.

It was my last day of senior year at Douglas & Douglas High School and I had to figure out what the heck i was going to do with my life. I mean, college? Sure, but I’m not my dad. Get a job? Nah, I like my soul. But hmm, what if I could make a living chewing gum? Now that’s an idea.

So one afternoon in my studio apartment, I just started chewing gum. I started small, a piece or two here and there, nothing crazy. I wanted to pace myself, I wanted to ease into it. But then it was three, and four, and five, and six. Soon enough, one pack per day, two packs per day, you get the picture. And that’s when the hobby started to develop a skill. And that skill lead to an unquenchable passion.

I was entering and winning contests for gum chewing. My jaw muscles were becoming truly unprecedented. It was a lot. My family grew concerned, my friends stopped talking to me, all because of this obsession.

Unfortunately, the passion/obsession/whatever you want to call it quickly turned horrible. The friends and family weren’t a huge deal, but when the public in general turned on my, I knew I had to change my behavior. Plus, I had more trophies for it than the loser in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory so to me, my work was done.

All I am saying is please be proud of me for only chewing one pack of gum a day and trust me, if we work together, we can get that down to zero in no time.


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