In an unprecedented show of unity, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio have signed an executive order banning anyone who has been in Texas, Florida, California, or Arizona in the past 30 days from New York City.
“These idiots from other ‘freedom-loving’ states are no longer welcome in the greatest city in the world. We’ve got out own issues to deal with, we can’t have them showing up as walking COVID ticking time bombs on our citizens” De Blasio said in the joint statement.
“I wish other governors had cared about their citizens as much as I did.” Cuomo said, “I cared so much that the hashtag #CuomoSexual is a trending topic every other day at this point. And to that I say, I prefer Hinge over Tinder.”
Residence from the four banned states are planning on protesting this order and marching on the city. Residents of nearby Connecticut and New Jersey are fearing the worst. “If I see one more hillbilly not wearing a mask try and run through the Lincoln Tunnel, I’m gonna have to go Zombie Hunter on their ass” said Joey Fauci from Bayone, NJ. (No relation to Dr. Anthony Fauci)
“We deserve access to pizza and a photo with the Naked Cowboy – how dare those communist socilites that love Antifa ban us from our rights as Americans to breathe the air of NYC!” said Hunter Logan, a Texan YouTube personality with a few hundred followers. He and other online influencers are planning to stage a march across the George Washington Bridge tomorrow and it appears officials are going to support it because they know that no one knows what happens next once you cross the GW, not even Waze.
A Florida Man has been seen on a stand-up paddleboard trying to hold on to the back of the Staten Island Ferry but has fallen off multiple times. Pete Davidson has been heard heckling the man from his lawn chair on the docks in what we thought was a reprise of his role in Kind of Staten Island but is actual just reality for him as the actual King of Staten Island.
“How long will this ban on these states last?” Cuomo and De Blasio laughed and said they’ve been wanting to this for years and COVID finally gave them the chance to actually have it done.