CDC Releases At-Home Escape Game Starter-Kits in Attempt to Keep Nation From Going Out

(Washington, D.C.) Earlier this morning, in an unprecedented move from the Center of Disease Control, Dr. Fauci announced a plan to release ‘escape game starter-kits’ in an attempt to help people stay at home and have a good time doing it. This follows weeks of rising covid cases in the country and the ongoing rebellion of many Americans refusing to wear masks. “The time has come to think outside of the box,” Fauci said from the White House press room. “We are committed to giving our nation the tools it needs to stay home and stay safe. I will now hand over the conference to Dr. Plum, the brains behind this initiative, to tell you more.”


Never one to stay too long in the spotlight, Fauci left his place at the podium, allowing for a man in a purple lab coat to step forward and begin his prepared remarks. “Goooooooooooood morning Vietnam!” began Dr. Plum to a sea of groans from the press corp. “I am so excited to tell you what I have been working on while in self-isolation the last few weeks.”


With that, a screen was rolled out into the press area while Dr. Plum pulled out a laser pointer from thin air. “I was thinking to myself a few weeks ago, as I saw more people out and about, ‘How are we doing to stop this spread?’ I mean, clearly recommending safety precautions and giving daily briefings wasn’t working, so what if we tried something new?”


“It was at this point that I decided to take a page from Silicon Valley. More specifically, a term they coined – Gamification. What if we gamified the concept of public health?”


“After speaking with my team, we decided that this would be the best way to keep the nation entertained while we wait out this horrible situation. And soon, we had our concept – An Escape Room. What if Americans could create an intricate escape game in their home, forcing them to stay in until they figure it out?”


“At first, this seemed ill-advised due to the obvious concerns about safety. However, with some tweaks, we were able to come up with the following scenario. The idea is that you, as a player, are currently living on an uninhabitable planet where the air is toxic. Your house, although safe from the toxins, is a prison from which you must escape using the clues provided by your extraterrestrial hosts.”


“Our hope is that with the clues we have written, we can keep people from leaving their houses for up to 2 weeks, if not 3. But the game doesn’t stop there. Once back outside, in order to not forfeit your chance at winning, you will need to wear a mask at all times to avoid the toxins of the atmosphere.”


“Only once we, the CDC, announces that it is OK to leave your homes, will you be able to claim your prize as a winner. What’s the prize? Well, that would ruin the fun, wouldn’t it? I guess you’ll just have to play to find out.”


“We understand that you will have questions, which is why Google is building us a lovely website to explain everything.” With that, Dr. Plum left the press room, walked directly back to his D.C. townhome, and locked the door from the outside before closing it behind him.

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