Mike Pence Catches Self Day-Dreaming About Returning Home to Indiana to Eat Butter by the Stick

(Washington D.C.) This past week, the RNC has dominated the news cycle while the rest of American burns. Literally. But we aren’t a political news organization, that’s not our beat, so instead we will tell you what was going on inside the mind of Vice President Mike Pence. Now, we haven’t explored Pence’s brain in awhile, but last time we were here things were pretty bleak. Now, however, there is a certain peace that wasn’t present before. We did some digging and discovered that the reason for this inner peace was due to the fact that he is already picturing himself returning to Indiana to eat butter on a stick when he is finally allowed to leave the White House.

“Oh butter, I mean, Karen,” the thought in Mike Pence’s begins. “I can’t wait to get home to you. I am not allowed to be around your loving touch here in the Capitol and I miss you so. Oh, the President is speaking, I should pay attention.”

A few moments later. “Nope, I can’t stop it, even he makes me think of butter, I mean Karen. No wait, I actually do mean butter. I think that the first thing I am going to do is just warm up a few sticks of butter in a mug and sit out on the porch, taking in the warm Indiana air, with Wife holding onto me nice and tight.”

This thought alone was able to captivate Pence for the entire rest of the evening, with nary another thought floating through his mind. Even when the fervor was at its peak and the flames were blasting behind the speakers, Mike Rob Pence was in a world of buttery goodness.

“Oh yes, and then in the morning, pancakes!” The visual of this thought was of a cartoonish stack of pancakes with a piece of butter larger than your head. “Mother makes the best pancakes. She knows just how I like them.”

As we left his brain on and moved on to greener pastures, we caught a fleeting thought. “One day if I become president when I grow up, I am going to make butter sticks the national food and no one will be able to stop me.”

It was at this point that we started running even faster.


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