Hello, my name is Mike Pence and I have a message for you, the American people. There has been a recent trend amongst females that I just simply cannot stand. These women, they think they have autonomy and that they can just Tweet mean things at me all day. Well, I have something that I want to say. There are no longer any women in the world, by my standards at least. There are simply seadevils and my wife, Karen. That’s it.

I noticed this subtle change over the last 50 years or so, ever since women have started using more than 5% of their brain. You see, until recently, women have just been using 5% of their brain. But, according to the Law of Femme, passed in 1966, women now are allowed access to 6% of their brain. I believe that this extra percent is what has caused the downfall of western culture, if not the world at large.

Back in the days of yore, back when America was great, women didn’t need more of their brains than 5%. They didn’t have to worry about voting. They didn’t have to worry about marbles. They didn’t have to think about nothing. Meanwhile, men were off starting nations, committing genocides, and passing terrible laws that are going to take decades to dismantle. Big brain stuff.

Now, women are using the 6% of their brains that they have access to in order to learn spells that will control the seas. These spells are what is causing all of these hurricanes lately. This is why, instead of sending aid Puerto Rico, Mr. Trump and I have been trying our best to take away birth control from women everywhere. Without these magic pills that keep the babies from growing, women will not be able to access their extra percentage point.

Only once we get women back down to 5% (Karen says she would be fine with 4% which is why she is my wife) can we truly get back to the peace we knew before the great awakening of women. What has feminism ever done for women, anyway?

Guess what though guys? This isn’t even Mike Pence. That’s right, I’m Ashton Kutcher and you just got Prank’d. Bam. I’m the best.

This article was written by Nathan as Ashton Kutcher as Mike Pence, not a real stretch honestly. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.