(Kauai, HI) On the windswept beaches of Hawaii we find CEO and founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg sipping a cold cucumber mimosa while taking in the beautiful sites before him. It is just as he is finishing this delicious treat that he sees the first bulldozers coming down the road. They are cartoonishly large and this pleases him. They begin to destroy the forest, but Mark has to take a call. His lawyer is updating him on his lawsuit with the native Hawaiian people and things are going exceptionally well. It is at this moment that the bombshell breaks, the one we’re breaking right now.


In a study published recently by researchers from various institutes and establishments, the latest update to the Facebook terms of service as well as its core algorithm have been discovered to be incompatible with democracy as both a concept and system of government. Unfortunately, this news comes at maybe the worst possible moment, with the U.S elections months away and the general vibe of America being anything but chill.


“It wasn’t hard to figure out. I mean, a good system of ideas allows for things to grow and flourish amongst different minds that have knowledge on the subject. It’s never the most popular thing, it has to be intentional, which is in direct opposition to Facebook’s business model. Are we really that surprised that the country who invented something like Facebook and allowed it to become what it is won’t descend into fascism?” remarked one of the researchers to us while we were smoking a cigarette outside.


“This was a horrible assignment. Do you know how much bananas stuff gets posted on Facebook every single day? God, I can’t believe we’re done. What a horrible year of my life, what did I miss?” said another in for a rough wake up call. Amazing that they missed it if we’re being honest.


When we asked Mark Zuckerberg’s people about this, they told us that Mark loves democracy and would marry it if he could. Also to please stop Googling “Mark Zuckerberg Kauai” and bullying him about it.


In the end, the researchers concluded that at this point it was probably too far gone for anyone to do anything, but they are thinking too digitally. You can still kick someones ass analog style, so why don’t we do that? Maybe on October 1st? I’m just spitballing here.


Anyways, next time you are thinking about arguing with your cousin on Facebook, just try to convince him to delete Facebook instead. That might do a lot more in the long run.