The Time a Bag of Cool Ranch Doritos Knew Me Better Than I Knew Myself

I just bought a bag of cool ranch Doritos and right as I go to open it; I realize that it feels suspiciously heavy in my palm. So naturally, I exchange it with my other hand to get a second opinion on the unusual weight. My suspicions are confirmed; there is something within the confines of this packaging that makes this ordinary snack feel peculiar.

With trembling fingers, I open it; and low and behold an explosion of tiny triangles appears before my very eyes. I have found what was different.

The bag was full alright, but not of what you’d expect…It was filled with wonderment. It lacked the area of oxygen it would normally contain that acts as a buffer of transportation and seal of freshness. I only see one thing…more chips.

I was the chosen one. I clasped the bag to my chest and looked around at my co-workers discretely, verifying that no one has witnessed what has only ever been a fable. A chapter from another time. A bedtime story for children. A lost treasure. I wanted to spread my new-found gospel; while simultaneously keeping it a secret as greed coursed through me. Imaginary scenarios flying through my mind as people would say “Is that bag full!?” Or “let me have some of those”.

I would never, for this is my destiny.

I merrily begin digging through the my treasure; consuming one precious token of divinity at a time. One by one, I devour them. Each one more savory than the previous. My gullet was filled, the hunger was sated and my heart bursting with inexplicable happiness. 

I peer down at the bag and I was astonished by another, new discovery; I wasn’t even half way done. 

Anger, frustration, and confusion wash over my body like crashing wave over a shoreline. Bits and pieces of what once resembled reality split under the insurmountable feelings; like a wild oak struck by lightning after a long and roaring thunder.

I am the hero on his journey that has come to a the culmination of his quest, unable to complete it due to the inadequacies of his character.

Then from the darkness, a light flashed into my peripheral; and the sunset of enlightenment falls upon me: That normality. The expected. It is there to protect me. Like a smooth stone protects the wary, barefoot traveler. Unpolished wisdom and valor swirling around something simple; like a foot soldier standing in the vanguard for total duty; a beacon of hope.

I learned Doritos knows me better than I know myself. I recommend “Cool Ranch”, but tavern-speak rumors Nacho Cheese equally as divine.




This article was written by Ryan, a friend of Eritas. Beware his cat burglar ways.

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