Just like you, we are so excited about this year’s upcoming Purge event sponsored by our New Founding Fathers. We are so glad that we shrugged off the chains of Democracy and chose, as these new United States, to cleanse ourselves and our society each year. Now, we understand that not everyone is as excited about the Purge as we are. In fact, for most, the Purge comes and goes just like any other holiday. Even still, regardless of how you feel about it, you need to be prepared and time is ticking. You have until 7pm to get your things in order. Don’t worry. This is exactly why we made a last-minute Purge checklist so you don’t have to.


First, you need to know where your family and loved ones are. Ideally, they will be within arms’ reach of you, as that is where they should be at all times. This is Purge week, not fun-time-cool-zone. Then, you need to make sure they all know the plan: hide in the basement with the lights off.


Second, you are going to need supplies, and lots of them. This is last minute, so most of the stuff you need at your typical stores will be sold out. And unless you buried a box full of supplies in your garage that you aren’t telling me about, you’re going to have to get creative. Same day shipping is out, with most postal workers taking a half day, so you’re going to need to go to a bodega. Any will do, they always have what you need.. Just make sure and tip them since you waited so long.


Third, secure your hideout. Unless you’re a complete sociopath looking for blood, you likely won’t be going outside of your home on the night of the Purge. In which case, you need to secure that place like your life depends on it, because it absolutely does. We’re talking as many deadbolts, steel doors, and rebar windows as you can get your hands on. Obviously you will be in the basement, but sometimes even the threat of security is enough to get ignored, which is what you want.


Fourth, don’t forget to pick up your Purge Ticket at your local Government Building. They are open right up until 7 on the night of, so you can grab it last minute if you need to. Who knows? It might be your lucky year and you could get chosen.


Fifth, arm yourself. Listen, I am a very anti-gun person in general, but if one night a year you need one to defend yourself as you sit with your family in the basement waiting for the worst to happen, I think a gun can be nice to have. Take shifts pointing it at the one entrance point and do not let it waver in your hand. It’s one night, you can do this. On the other hand, if you have more than one entrance point, you’re probably screwed.


Sixth and finally, call your lawyer to just double check your will one last time. They will probably be busy, a lot of people do this, but you want to make sure that no matter what happens, your loved ones will be taken care of. It’s just that so many people forget or think they won’t need it, we want to make sure you are prepared for any outcome. Personally, I plan to give whomever kills me everything I own, but I like to play things fast and loose.


And there you have it. The good news is this isn’t the first Purge for you, so you’ve already made it through a few. The bad news is that life is deeply chaotic, indifferent, and incomprehensible, so this could very well be your last. But with this checklist, we’re confident* you’ll make it through.





*like 80/20