You’re at a party with your friends, celebrating the new year with the promise of tomorrow so close you can taste it. Looking around, you feel glad to see familiar faces smiling and chuckle to yourself at the thought that those year-themed glasses finally work the way they are supposed to. At this moment in your life, everything feels right and good and there is nothing standing in your way. You cannot even fathom that in just a little over a year, there will only be one thing that will make you feel this way again. That soon, the memory of the night you are in will fade and become a joke you tell to your roommates. And yet all of this might change, might actually be worth it, as long as you get that Cool New Hat.

It feels bizarre to think about it now because everyone is itching to get the Cool New Hat, but back at that party at the beginning of The Year, you didn’t even know that something as small as a Cool New Hat could make such a big difference in your life, but here we are.

Now, you can’t wait until it’s your turn to get one and finally go out in public again. You wouldn’t be caught dead out and about right now without a Cool New Hat, it’s unheard of!

Unfortunately, like anything that exists in our present condition, there are people who don’t want to wear a Cool New Hat. In fact, they think that they are fashionable enough to go out right now without a hat at all even though they could just wait a few more weeks until they can get a Cool New Hat. But no, they want to be contrarian and avoid the joy and hope that a Cool New Hat provides.

As for me personally, I ordered my Cool New Hat the other day and I am more than happy to sit in my house waiting for the package to arrive. After all, it’s not just my sense of fashion that I have to worry about, it’s my overall well-being. If I went out without a Cool New Hat, I could lower the fashionability of my whole neighborhood and people would lose respect for me as a person.

Which ultimately is the final argument I will leave for those who are anti-Cool New Hat: It’s not just about you, it’s about your community and being a contributing member of society. So just get a Cool New Hat as soon as it is available, please.