Hello America. It’s a new day and the sun is shining down on us all, with nothing but clear blue skies on the horizon. My name is Senator Schumer and I am coming to you today in response to recent attacks on our new President, myself, and my constituents over the ongoing crisis at our border and the abysmal conditions of the detention centers where thousands of migrant families are being kept. It is not my job to sugarcoat things, so I will try to be as direct as I can: we are not the bad guys. Remember? We voted them out. We are in the process of helping these poor people, but these things take time. And most importantly, I want to say that beyond the shadow of a doubt, there is no discrimination in our child prison system.

Let me break it down for you. While the Trump administration targeted migrants and their children crossing the U.S. Mexico border, President Biden has explicitly instructed agents at the Canadian border to do the same. Not only that, but while the Trump administration focused their policing efforts only in non-white areas, we are going to increase spending on police departments in every neighborhood across the nation, regardless of who lives in the area.

And yet, so many think-pieces and editorials will have you believe that we only want certain children in our detention centers – this could not be further from the truth! All children, regardless of race or gender expression, should be put in detention centers should the State deem it necessary. Our agents and administrators aren’t targeting certain demographic groups, they snatch up anyone that might be dangerous.

Before you ask, “How do they decide who is dangerous?” – Everything they do is extremely scientific and based on methods that have been rigorously tested. It’s really easy, actually, they only use one variable – class.

In fact, we are going another step further with our policies to show just how non-discriminatory we are. I will be introducing the Colorblind Act that will forbid any and all future legislation from benefiting or hurting any person specifically due to their race. Instead, we will make all bills and laws blind to the idea of race and begin working on a truly equal and homogenous country. After all, as we have seen, everyone gets along better when no one is different.

Once we put enough kids in prison, they’ll have no choice but to grow up exactly the way we want them. Then, their generation can leave Earth and start anew. Isn’t that wonderful? Aren’t you so glad you voted Blue? We sure are.