We regret to inform you that you have been bamboozled. Honestly, we wish we could say that we were smart enough not to get roped into this ourselves, but we were just as convinced as you before we saw the evidence. It’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last. We are, of course, talking about Elon Musk, SpaceX, and this so-called ‘Mission to Mars.’ Our team of journalists has received sensitive documentation that Elon Musk has been lying to us constantly for years on just about every subject. However, the most damning and ludicrous lie that we have uncovered is that SpaceX is just a front and there is no such place as Mars.

Yes, take a second to let that wash over you while we give you some background on our investigation. We understand this might take a moment to process.

Originally described by Musk in 2001 as ‘Mars Oasis,’ the concept of going to a planet called ‘Mars’ and colonizing it to expand human life beyond Earth has been something Musk has obviously been thinking about for quite some time. In 2007, he shocked the world by announcing his ‘personal mission’ was to take humans to Mars. Starting SpaceX with millions of dollars in US government contracts, he has used this myth to blow up spaceship after spaceship on the path to ‘exploration.’ And it’s all based on a lie.

Now, whether he first read about Mars in a Ray Bradbury science fiction novel or one of the various NASA propaganda pages is unknown, but it is clear that Musk is under the impression that Mars does in fact exist. We had also believed that Mars and the other planets in our solar system were real until quite recently when we realized that they are nothing but different colored lights on the ceiling of our flat Earth. The irony of someone as ‘intelligent’ as Musk still believing in something akin to Santa Claus is humorous to say the least.

And yet, in a recent survey 99% of Americans said that they still believe in Mars. That’s more than enough people for Musk to convince to strap themselves into a rocket headed on a long flight to nowhere. In actuality, Musk is using this as a cover to test out his cryogenic suspension technology, hoping to see if he can keep humans alive for long periods while frozen in specialized tubes. This, rather than another planet, is his actual mission to preserve human life beyond our current life cycle. It’s just not as sexy for investors and the Pentagon.

All we ask is that you acknowledge the lie that is Mars and take Musk’s ideas with a grain of salt. By which we mean understanding that he only cares about money and the Department of Defense has almost infinite supplies of that, so none of us are ever actually going to Mars. Just remember that next time they tell you healthcare is too expensive.