What to Expect from the Inevitable Moderna vs. Pfizer War

In the span of the last several months, the light at the end of the tunnel has only gotten brighter as vaccines to treat Covid-19 have become more available and the world slowly returns to ‘normal.’ Unfortunately, what some mistake for hope in that light, we see for what that light truly is – an oncoming train, headed straight for all-out war. ‘What war is this?’ you might ask. The war between Pfizer and Moderna, of course. Although it is hard to fathom now, and even though the decision is not yours to make, there will be a future war between Moderna vs. Pfizer vaccine recipients. It’s not going to be pretty – but here’s what you can expect.

First thing to address – if you took the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, you will not be included in this war or the discussion around it because you took the easy way out and will be the first to be eliminated. The time we are discussing is past when you have become obsolete and thus your opinion on the matter is moot.

Second, there is no use trying to avoid this war by taking one vaccine over the other (or forgoing a vaccine entirely, that’s just silly). While you may try to escape it, this is a war that will come for us all and it will be as insidious as it is inevitable. Plus, we have no idea which side will win, so putting your eggs in one basket won’t work either.

Third, it’s going to be bloody. You cannot fathom the carnage right now from your current state of comfort, but the limits of your imagination will be pushed further than you thought possible simply in order to try and comprehend what your eyes are showing you. Although you can start training now, the conflict will be random and widespread, so there’s only so much you can do.

Fourth, there will be people you trust who want this war to happen. We know it’s hard to imagine now, but war changes people, and your friends today who celebrate their vaccination with you will soon turn on you if your card has a different brand name than theirs. They won’t have any choice in the matter and neither will you.

Fifth, if you took the Moderna vaccine, you will be faster but have less strength. If you took the Pfizer vaccine, you will be slower, but stronger. We’ve heard that the Astrazeneca vaccine boosts your dexterity and gives the recipient powers to control flame, but this report is unconfirmed.

Sixth, the end of the war will be our New Beginning. Despite the fact that we can’t predict this war, we know how it will end. A New Human will rise from the ashes of our civilization and the New Humankind will leave us far behind, creating a new world for all. At least, all New Humans that is. Each of these New Humans will be born with either the Pfizer, Moderna, or some variation of the vaccine already coursing through their veins, giving them the immunity they will need to move forward.

Which is ultimately why you shouldn’t worry too much about this war – we’ll all be dust by the end regardless. Our advice? Just enjoy the time you have left, especially if you got the J+J shot. Yikes.


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