Grimes Announces That X Æ A-Xii Has Begun Bene Gesserit Training Under Her Instruction

(Austin, TX soon to be known as Arrakis) Although it seems like lifetimes have passed since the birth of Elon Musk and Grimes’ baby, the young child known as X Æ A-Xii, it has actually only been about 11 months. Nevertheless, like his parents, the child has already shown signs of superior intelligence and intellect. Since we are coming up on his first birthday, we decided to sit down with Grimes to hear more about her first year of mothership and what she has learned from the experience. Unfortunately, we were not prepared for what she would tell us and now we fear for the future of our world.

You see, Grimes told us that she has already begun the Bene Gesserit training of her son and hopes that he will one day fulfill her coven’s prophecy and become Muad’Dib, the leader that was foretold.

“It’s something that Elon and I talked a lot about when we were first dating,” she told us while a Boston Dynamics robot held X Æ A-Xii beside her. “We both had read ancient texts describing a savior that would come to rescue humanity and lead us on a grand jihad. Once our relationship became more serious, we realized that due to my training in the ways of the Bene Gesserit and Elon’s massive wealth, we might be the perfect pair to bring forth this savior. And so far, we believe that X Æ A-Xii is the child that we have sought.”

For those who are unfamiliar with Bene Gesserit training and the coven itself, they are a select group of witches that can control their voice and movements to the smallest degree. This allows them to hold considerable sway over those around them and they can spur others to action with just the slightest twitch or turn of phrase. On top of that, they have a gene program that dates back centuries, in which they have selectively chosen their mates for the purpose of creating a messiah. And now, with Grimes, they may have achieved their goal.

While many have already screamed ‘Abomination!’ at the child, others are hesitant to throw away a chance at a better life for humanity. “Listen, we’ve had a pretty shit run of things on this planet already, so why not try something new? It’s not like giving all of this power to a child raised for the explicit purpose of glorious genocide could go wrong. And even if it does, it will likely be more interesting than watching the oceans slowly rise and the trees all die. Might as well go out with a bang.”

According to a hidden part of the SpaceX website, it appears that the couple is planning to take X Æ A-Xii to Mars as soon as possible so that he can continue his training and see the place that will one day become his seat of power. In his latest press conference, Musk made reference to this trip: “I will take my son to the planet Mars and we will begin our crusade upon the stars. He will learn the ways of the Bene Gesserit and grow to lead us into a future only we can claim. And if Mars happens to have some worms, even better.”

We only hope that once the prophecy is fulfilled, X Æ A-Xii will see the transgressions of his forefathers and decide to become something better than Muad’Dib, something even Musk and Grimes couldn’t dream up – a God-Emperor.

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