Report: All the Lights are Green

Hello and welcome to your daily news briefing. We come to you today from the precipice of total destruction. As you may have seen if you have driven anywhere today, all the lights are green. This has caused confusion and mayhem across the country and the world. For this is not a localized event and experts tell us that there is nothing they can do. According to a report from the International Traffic Authority, lights across the world switched green at 10:05 Grinch mean time and they have no idea why. “If we don’t end this soon, the world might be lost to anarchy. And we just can’t have that now can we?”

Except, that’s not what is happening. After the initial shock of only seeing green lights, drivers began to figure things out for themselves and started to work in harmony to get where they are going. This was so surprising that the ITA started an investigation into what was going on with everyone and why things were going smoothly despite any intervention on their part.

“When I said anarchy, this is not what I meant,” said the same representative as before. “Anarchy in the bad sense, not the literal sense of an absent government and absolute freedom of the individual. Come on, y’all should understand that.”

Looking around as you drive, you will likely notice an actual lack of drivers in general. Apparently, some people saw all the lights turn green and realized the lack of meaning in the whole system. I mean, what is the point? Like what is the point? With all of the lights green, time to destination is no longer relevant. Might as well just walk or take the bus if you’ve got nothing but time.

And as less cars are on the road, the trees have bloomed a little brighter and the grass has grown a little thicker. The vines are slowly growing, but they aren’t stopping. Soon they will take it all over and cars will be a horror from the past, the way we view blimps and public hangings.

“One day we hope to walk down the streets of Manhattan and never hear anything other than the wind through the buildings that are slowly falling apart,” the resigned traffic authority announced just minutes ago. “Our only hope is that we will rise again from the decay. Maybe this was the best thing that could have happened.”

I guess we’ll just have to see. If all goes well, we might never see another red or yellow light ever again.

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