Meet the 19th Century Robber Baron Currently Inhabiting Elon Musk’s Flesh Vessel

For quite some time it has been clear that Elon Musk is not well. His behavior has been sporadic, his tweets unhinged, and his passion for developing Mars insatiable. All classic signs of someone who no longer has full control of his own bodily autonomy and must act at the whim of the spirit who has inhabited him. We see this all the time, especially with self-proclaimed entrepreneurs, but never a case this long-term and hostile. Thankfully, we believe that we have a solution to the problem. But, in order to understand that solution, we need to fully understand the underlying issue. Which is why we’d like to introduce you to the 19th century robber baron currently occupying Mr. Musk’s flesh vessel.

To start off, let’s make sure that we understand the terms we will be using, such as:

Robber Baron: a person who has become rich through ruthless and unscrupulous business practices.

Flesh Vessel: A Term used for one’s Body.

Sound familiar? It should. You see, we’ve been monitoring Musk’s behavior for some time on the hunch that he has been taken over by a malevolent spirit. And not only has that been proven, but we believe that the future of the human race depends on our ability to exorcise him.

Let us explain. When Elon was a young man, he had big dreams and even bigger generational wealth to see his plans through. First, he moved to the West, attending colleges in Canada and the U.S. to hone his education before starting his first company, a web software business. Once he had sold that, he started another company and another company and another company until he became the man you know today.

Our hypothesis is that some time between Paypal and Telsa, Musk underwent a spiritual transformation. You can see small signs of it if you look at pictures from the time. One day he wasn’t wearing a top hat, the next day he was.

During this transformation, an industrialist from the 19th century took over control of Musk’s body, demanding that he follow in the footsteps of other barons from the same period and use the massive wealth at his disposal to colonize his own stake in the world. Unfortunately for the spirit, the rest of the world was already claimed, meaning that Musk would have to look beyond our planet for this plan to work.

Ever since, you can see the progression from businessman into baron as Musk pursues wilder and wilder inventions, always claiming to be helping move the world forward while simultaneously making it worse. It’s only a matter of time until this greed overcomes him, taking complete control of his flesh and completing the transformation that began years ago. Our only hope is that there will be signs of this, or else we are susceptible to the same fate.

It is for this reason that we are thankful for Grimes, the canary in the coal mine. A true baron would never entertain the idea of fathering a child with someone like Grimes, meaning that should the couple ever split ways, we will know that the end is coming.

For our sake and hers, we hope that day never comes.


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