Applebee’s Unveils New Slogan ‘You’ll Never Leave’

(Decatur, GA) One of the hardest hit industries of the last 15 months has been the restaurant industry, with franchises and local establishments choosing to either cut costs or face annihilation. While some have already been able to rebound here in the U.S., others that were struggling before the pandemic have had to face some hard decisions in order to stay afloat. Additionally, the returning labor force has seen what the future could look like and are demanding higher wages, leading to a ‘labor shortage’ with an easy solution. However, if you’re the notorious neighborhood bar and grill chain Applebee’s, you might ignore everything and put all your money behind a striking new slogan to save your company. Which is exactly what they did with their new motto ‘You’ll Never Leave.’

“We understand our market and our customers better than anyone,” explained CEO Steve Joyce. “And our plan is simple. Rather than trying to bring in new customers, we’re going to focus on our existing clientele and hope that our product speaks for itself. If everything goes according to plan, we’ll be able to rely on word-of-mouth referrals from our loyal customers to keep us running from now until the sun explodes. I will be not be taking questions.”

Following this press conference, the Applebee’s social media team went to work, announcing that the new slogan and accompanying changes to their dining establishments would be put into place ‘at once.’ Next thing we knew, there were Applebee’s ads everywhere we looked, leading us to wonder exactly what the new and improved Applebee’s would look like.

So we found out for ourselves.

The following day, we drove down to our local Applebee’s and could instantly tell that word had gotten out about the updates, as the parking lot was close to full. We tried to find a spot, but it was like no one was leaving, only entering. Eventually we found a spot near the Wal Mart and made our way in. As we approached the doors, we noticed that the exterior was unchanged from last time we visited, but didn’t think much of it.

It wasn’t until we entered the establishment that we knew something was amiss. As soon as we opened the door, a flood of customers rushed us, trying to get out the door we had just come in. As the door slammed shut on multiple sets of fingers, we pushed back on the horde and yelled ‘what’s going on? Let us in!’

“We have to get out, don’t you understand?” was the choral response.

“What do you mean? You can leave whenever,” we replied, turning back to the door we had just come through.

“You don’t understand, that’s no longer an option for you. Just try.”

We did. The door wouldn’t budge. We tried the emergency exit next – nothing. We could see out the windows, but nothing outside was moving, like time was stuck. The only words we could read on the outside was the new slogan on the sign outside – “You’ll Never Leave.”

We are still trapped in the Applebee’s writing this to you now. I would tell you to come rescue us, but it’s dawning on me that this was the plan all along. So rather than play into their hand, we ask that you forget we ever existed and continue living your life, making sure to avoid ever setting foot in another Applebee’s. You might never make it out.

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