Attention: Your Flight is Boarding Soon

Attention: All customers in the gate area. Your flight will be boarding soon. Please make sure that you have all personal items secure and ready for boarding. We will call out your name, confirmation number, and worst fear when you need to come forward just as soon as we get word from the Tower that we are ready to go. Our flight is on time, the skies are clear, and we’ll soon have you to your final destination. Your days of worry are over and soon you will be flying through the air like so many birds. Please do not leave the boarding area so that we can call out your name as soon as we are ready.

Update: There has been a slight delay to your flight. We will be leaving 15 minutes later than previously scheduled. Don’t worry, we should still be able to make up the time in the air to get you to your destination on time. Please remain seated and we thank you for your patience with us as we assess this issue.

U̴p̸d̶a̴t̷e̴: Due to the earlier mentioned delay, your flight will not be departing from Gate X rather than Gate Z. Please relocate to the new gate and wait for us to call your name. This will likely delay boarding by 30 minutes. Thank you again for your patience.

U̸̩̯͐͌p̷̭̾d̴̹͖̕̚á̸̖ṯ̸̪͒̎e̶̦͂̓: Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for being patient. Your patience is something we are thankful for. Your flight has been delayed by another 45 minutes. Again, we thank you for your patience.

Update: The aircraft has gone missing. Your flight is delayed another 60 minutes we search for the plane. Please check the travel boards for more information.

Update: The aircraft has been located, but the crew has disappeared. Your flight is delayed another 120 minutes while we round up a new crew. To the friends and family of the previous crew members, we are deeply sorry.

U̸̩̯͐͌p̷̭̾d̴̹͖̕̚á̸̖ṯ̸̪͒̎e̶̦͂̓: Hell has come to Earth and we are just play things for the Devil to use as he pleases. Repent! Repent!

Update: Your flight is boarding soon. Please see the gate agent to be branded with your seat number as we prepare the aircraft.

Update: Your flight is delayed 240 minutes. No, wait, 480 minutes. Actually, 960 minutes.

Update: Your flight has been cancelled due to lack of tickets sold. Please see customer service so that we might compensate you for your time. Thank you for trusting Delta Airlines with all of your travel needs.

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