“I’m Just Getting Started,” Announces Nancy Pelosi After Claiming She Will Live to 200

(Washington, D.C.) For Americans on both the left and right, Nancy Pelosi can be a polarizing figure. This week in particular the House Speaker from California has been under fire for allegedly making quite a return on sale of Google and Amazon stock. After growing calls for some sort of explanation, Pelosi called a press conference and tried her best to calm her constituents. It went OK, nothing special, but one detail struck us as we reviewed the footage. “What’s a girlboss to do?” Pelosi began. “You want to set yourself up for retirement, but you also have to do what’s best for the American people. It’s tough. However, I want to assure you that I’m not going anywhere. In fact, I am planning to live well past 200, so when it comes to public service, I’m just getting started.”

That’s right. The 81 year old congresswoman, who has already been in office since 1987, plans to continue her position for ‘at least the next 120 years – maybe more’ according to this latest press conference. We tried to ask questions, but she told us she had to get back to work and to ask her staff any follow-up questions. So we did.

“Uh, excuse us?” we asked politely as the communications team took their places behind the podium. “What did the Speaker mean when she said she was planning to live well past 200? That sounds impossible, no?”

“Clearly you haven’t seen her skin regimen,” joked one of the other journalists before adding “But really, is she serious?”

The comms team took a second to collect themselves before replying. “The Speaker is deadly serious. She has been working on her physical and mental health with a coach, dieting constantly, and hiding away acorns for the long winter. She is ready, she is prepared, and she is devoted to the American people for as long as they will have her. If that means working another 120 years, that’s what she will do.”

“Sure, that’s great for a poster or whatever, but just physically how are we to expect her body to hold on for that long? No offense to the Speaker, but she’s not exactly a spry chicken.”

“Perhaps you should do more research,” the comms team replied, getting slightly more combative. “Because if you did, you would know that she kills a spry chicken every morning to make her breakfast and uses some of the leftover bones to clear out her sinuses. This is all part of her wellness program and why she’ll likely outlive all of us.”

“Her?”

“Yes, Speaker Pelosi. Not sure why this is hard to understand,” the comms team replied, hoping to put an end to this line of questioning. “Does anyone have questions about the Speaker’s plans for the country or do you want to ask more about her physical appearance? You know, no one asks Senator Sanders or President Biden these sorts of questions, so maybe you should take a hard look at your own biases before asking another question.”

With that, a blue cloud of smoke enveloped the comms team and seconds later they were gone, their last message written in blue smoke hanging in the air – “NO MATTER WHO.”

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