Oh Honey, It’s Almost Like You Don’t Appreciate the Free Market Anymore

Hey sweetie, it’s Mom here, just checking in. I hope everything is well with you. I haven’t spoken to you in 15 minutes and anything could have happened in that span, so I got worried. But, we also talked about boundaries with the phone, so I thought I’d send you an email instead. My mind is still spinning from our conversation earlier and I just want to make sure I understand your point of view before spiraling further. I’m not sure how your Mother and I could have brought you up so poorly for you to consider yourself a socialist, but I’m starting to fear for you and your soul. Oh honey, it’s almost like you don’t appreciate the free market anymore.

Take this large glass of milk I have sitting next to me. This morning, I went to the grocery store and was able to purchase this delicious milk for pennies on the dollar. Do you think that’s possible in Communist Cuba? I don’t think so!

Your entire life has been given to you by the free market. Sure, Deborah and I worked hard to give you what you have, but it never would have been possible without American ingenuity. Not that long ago, IVF wasn’t even possible, and without it, you would still be a dream to us. But because we were able to pay a multinational healthcare corporation tens of thousands of dollars, we were able to have you. Isn’t that incredible?

It’s not like I’m even the biggest capitalist you know, that would be your Uncle Tony. And sure, I burned an American flag at a protest or two in college, but I was wrong back then the same way you are wrong now. I was using my heart to make all my decisions back then. Now, I use my brain instead of my heart.

Trust me, when you get older, you’ll think back on your silly ideas of UBI and universal healthcare and laugh the way I do about those same ideas. It definitely won’t be out of fear of losing your social status and class position in society or out of complacency that you let the dominate culture of capitalism win you over, it will be because you realize that there’s nothing better than the free market and the invisible hand.

So before our next call, please review this email and understand that we are nothing without the gracious billionaires and politicians that let us live. Otherwise, we’d all be part of one big soup brewed by a nefarious witch. And that, you can take to the bank.


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